


Shutting Down

by jdjunkie



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, M/M, Menace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-09
Updated: 2010-09-09
Packaged: 2017-10-11 15:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/113684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jdjunkie/pseuds/jdjunkie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this was where it ended. This was what five years of difficult friendship, and lately something more, came down to; a harsh exchange of words that left them both with nothing more to hang on to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shutting Down

His wrist was numb. Even the dull ache that followed the initial searing pain had gone. It was with some astonishment that he realized the rest of him was numb, too.

Janet was being so careful in how she handled him that he wanted to scream. It wasn’t her fault. The need to scream was a constant these days. A part of him wondered what would happen if he actually let it out. He strongly suspected he couldn’t afford to find out.

“You’ll need to keep that strapped up for a few days. It’s a bad sprain. The painkillers will help.” She studied her handiwork, moving his left wrist around gently as he sat in the blessed quiet of the infirmary. Her touch was warm and competent, her gaze kind but subtly assessing.

For a second, he feared he might cry, but he was fresh out of tears. Today’s tears had been spent on a no longer functioning robot. Those were today’s tears, the latest of many these past months. He was fresh out of any kind of emotion actually, save for an energy-sapping, bone-deep despair that was threatening to engulf him.

Daniel flinched from Janet’s concern. He didn’t want it, didn’t need it and certainly didn’t welcome it.

They could all fuck off. Stick a fork in him, he was done. It felt like the end of the road and he didn’t know whether to be glad about that, finally, because this had been coming for some time, or whether to mourn.

If only someone would tell him what to feel. He couldn’t feel anything.

Janet lay Daniel’s left hand gently on his lap. “You’re free to go,” she said, still weighing, assessing, trying to judge what was best for him. He loved her; she was a good friend but he couldn’t deal with her empathy right now.

When Daniel made no move to leave, she added softly, “Or you can stay. There’s no rush. Take your time.”

“Thank you. I think I’ll stay. For a while. The quiet, it’s … it was so noisy.” 

Janet laid a hand on his shoulder. Daniel did his best not shy away from it. Then she tap tapped her way to her next patient. Reece wasn’t the only victim in all this mess.

Daniel rubbed his right hand lightly across his injured wrist. Yep. Feeling no pain.

No pain at all.

He watched his fingers move across the dressing, tracing patterns that he eventually realized were gate glyphs; the precise lines of Canis Minor; the gentle sweep of  Lynx; Aquarius, which Sha’uri always said looked like a grazing mastadge. He swallowed hard. He missed his wife with a sudden, gut-punching intensity. Fucking drugs. He hated the way they always messed with his head.

Daniel let out a deep breath and rolled his shoulders, tilting his head slowly from side to side in a bid to ease the weight of tension that had settled there.

He felt as though he’d been in the infirmary forever.

Through it all – from the medical team shepherding him away from the Gateroom, through Janet’s exam and treatment – Teal’c had stood silent sentinel, never more than a few feet away. Now, he was at the foot of the bed, watching in that unquestioning, unobtrusive way that Daniel found comforting and annoying in equal measure.

Daniel let both hands rest in his lap, his right cradling his left, and studied the floor.

“Major Carter is studying the disc and power pack taken from Reece. She believes there may be useful knowledge to be gained. Her death may not have been in vain.” Teal’c spoke gently, offering support in his uniquely understated way.

Daniel nodded at the concrete. It didn’t escape him that Teal’c had referred to Reece as “her”. He was pathetically grateful for that.

“I hope so, Teal’c.”

They retreated into their own thoughts.

“You do not believe O’Neill did the right thing.” Not an accusation.

“I believe Reece was shutting the replicators down. I believe we lost the one real chance we’ll have ever to stop them.” He didn’t want to get into this. He needed the silence.

“O’Neill did not know what was occurring in the Gateroom. Visual contact was lost. He believed your life was threatened. At that time, Daniel Jackson, that is _all_ he believed.”

Daniel focused more closely on the floor and followed a slight crack along its length until it disappeared under the next bed. He wanted to crawl right on under there with it. Never come out. Never face the shit that seemed to spray itself all over his life all too frequently.

“Yes, well. It’s academic now. I think I’ll just …” he waved a hand vaguely. He had no idea what that ‘just’ was. His boots hitting the floor sounded loud. He couldn’t stand the noise.

“Don’t go on my account.”

Jack. Fresh from scooping up tiny pieces of metal and come to see what else he could salvage.

Daniel straightened. He unconsciously went to protect his wrist. He saw Jack wince.

Jack was leaning against the entry to the infirmary, seemingly as casual as ever. His eyes, searching, angry and troubled, gave him away though. They knew each other way too fucking well.

Teal’c shifted his stance a little, putting himself between Daniel and Jack. Not taking sides, Daniel thought, simply reminding them of his presence in that unmistakably Jaffa way.

Jack’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Everything okay there big guy?”

Teal’c inclined his head. “I believe it will be, O’Neill.” Teal’c turned to look at Daniel, seemingly satisfied that Daniel could handle this and that a fist fight wasn’t about to break out imminently, and walked away. As he passed Jack, he added, “Given time.” Then he left.

The silence that Daniel had so welcomed was suddenly more deafening than anything he heard in the depths of the SGC as the battle to stop the planet being royally screwed raged around him.

Jack hugged the doorway more closely.

“How’s the wrist?” Trademark gruff concern. Well, fuck. He could stick it.

“Sprained, not broken.”

“That’s good.” Jack paused, and the silence became strained.. “Base is secure. Clear of replicators.”

“That’s good.”

More silence. No eye contact. No inclination on Daniel’s part to enter into any meaningful conversation.

Jack finally cracked. “What do you want me to say Daniel?”

“Nothing. There is nothing _to _say. I called you a son of a bitch. You apologized.”

Daniel checked out the ceiling. Jack developed an interest in the wall behind Daniel’s head.

“We could not have known for sure she was shutting them down.” Jack’s tone hardened and took on that slightly condescending edge that on any other day would have made Daniel want to hit him hard.

“Well, one thing’s for certain, we’ll never know now.” Daniel matched him in the pissy stakes and hated himself for getting sucked in.

“So, what was I supposed do? _Ask _her?” Jack’s voice rose, incredulous.

“Well, it’s a thought!”

“The self-destruct was counting down, the damn bugs were everywhere and you …”

“I was fine.”

“Well, I didn’t know that, Daniel. I had been standing on the other side of that fucking door while Siler took forever to cut through it. And you were locked in the Gateroom with a screwed-up android and a bunch of metal killers. The base was about to be blown to hell. And I was supposed to take the time to ask her to please, if you don’t mind too much, shut your little toys down?” Jack took a breath and pushed off the doorway, angry now and not bothering to hide it. “Grow up, Daniel. Take a reality check. I repeat: There was no other way for this to go down and you know it.”

A nurse stood hesitantly behind Jack in the doorway. When he became aware of her, he turned slightly.

“What?” he barked.

She clutched her meds tray tightly. “Sorry, Sir.” Her eyes flicked between the two of them and she backed away, her soft shoes shushing along the corridor.

Daniel felt faint with fatigue. The adrenaline rush was long gone. He ached all over. His head was starting to throb, and not just from the residue of spilled tears. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe it showed he could feel again after all.

“I can’t talk about this now,” Daniel said, finally meeting Jack’s gaze. “I’m just …”

“What? Gonna run away before we can sort this out?”

“Well, maybe that’s better than you shoving me through a wall when you realize that this time it can’t be fixed.”

Daniel shocked himself by saying it out loud.

He had never really seen anyone pale before. Not the way Jack did then. The color leached from his face so dramatically that it was entirely possible someone had just slashed open all his veins.

Hurt and angry though Daniel was, there was still a part of him that wanted to tell Jack to ignore him; that of course they would make it all better, just like they always did. But he’d gone beyond that. He felt a growing conviction that his life lay elsewhere. It was an uncomfortable truth but an inevitable one.

They could not go on hurting and sniping and then fucking their way back an uneasy accord.

Not after Euronda. Not after K’Tau and the Enkarans and all the other missions that had fucked them over lately.

Daniel closed his eyes and swallowed. So this was where it ended. This was what five years of difficult friendship, and lately something more, came down to; a harsh exchange of words that left them both with nothing more to hang on to.

He’d been wrong. He wasn’t numb at all. This hurt too way too much.

“All right,” Jack said, lowering his voice, standing in front of Daniel, eyes locked with his in a desperate attempt to make some sort of connection. “Okay. Not here. Come home. My place. We can talk there.”

Daniel held his gaze, saw the fear in Jack’s eyes but couldn’t respond. “Home,” he said, softly. “I don’t have a home. I have an apartment I sleep in and an occasional place in your bed where we have to fuck because everything else has been said and nothing else has worked.”

He had to leave and he had to leave now. This was too cruel for both of them.

Daniel moved to pass Jack but was stopped by a hand on his arm. He gasped at the shock of the touch. It burned and if he let it, it would eventually soothe and comfort and he could no longer afford the luxury of that. Images of Jack touching him skittered through his mind; strong arms holding him together in a storeroom; warm hands pushing him down into the bed as he arched back; gentle fingers stroking lips and framing his face as he was taken in hard, hot kisses.

Daniel was shattering in the same way those replicators had, falling apart piece by tiny piece. He shifted his gaze to the hand on his arm and looked up at Jack, waiting for him to let go. The pain he saw shocked him.

_You have to let me go ..._ 

Finally, the grip eased, and Jack’s hand fell away until it hung uselessly by his side. Jack was one step away from reaching out and hugging him. He could feel it.

“I know it had to go down that way, Jack,” Daniel offered tiredly, because he had to offer him something.  “I just don’t think I can live with myself for knowing that.” He smiled, sadly, and willed Jack to understand.

He walked away without looking back.


End file.
